Day after day. Month after month. Year after year. A cycle that never stopped. The hatred that was planted in my brain only grew stronger, uglier, and more destructive. Many different individuals contributing their own opinions on the person I was. Friends to classmates all the way to my very own family and complete strangers. Unknowingly causing uncontrollable hatred towards who I was and who I was becoming.  Causing years of self-mutilation in many different forms that I still suffer from today. Having such a traumatic experience be a constant variable in my life, affected my own opinion of my self worth. Not a single memory of being celebrated for being that I was. Having to earn everything that I ever wanted. Pushing myself to be better than I was the day before so that I never had to verbalize my worth in any way shape or form. From my achievements academically to the physical abilities at any and every sport I played. Letting others size me up and form their own opinions of which they saw standing in front of them. What they know and they see is only skin deep. A damaged child crawling her way into the hearts of those around her by living for them and not herself.  An emotionalist robot going through the motions that the world around her built.  Anything giving that was less than what was expected was not tolerated. Allowed to do what she wanted when it came to outside interest other than the yearly science fair or not missing a single practice, scrimmage, or regulated season game.  Yet anything less than perfection was not an option and was considered disrespectful towards those who were immediately involved or affected. Suffering from some of the most self-damaging words at the most impressionable time of my life destroyed me. Diagnosed with mental health problems that rooted from the standards I was held to that I never managed to obtain. Wishing my life would end so that I never had to hear those words that haunt my everyday life. Years and years of agreeing with what everyone told me. After so many people tell you the same thing you have no choice but to then start to believe in their words. Words that came from such a dark and unloving place. Being so brain washed by these negative views of who I was as a person made me able to do unkind things to myself. I never felt that I deserved to ever have a single day to where I should feel good about whom I am and where I have come from and where I am going. For every step I take in the path of self-healing the past repeats itself like clock work.


BREATHE + Anxiety= selflove #motomonday #friendship #selfimprovement #selflove #arttherapy @jessica_ceciliaxx

♬ Beggin’ – Måneskin

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